Photographic Memory

Anger, Hate, Sadness

If anyone is still checking in on this blog, whether it be through a feed reader or just the old fashioned way, you may not want to read this.This is a total bitchfest about the state of my life right now. It's not pretty. Consider yourself warned.

I'm angry that I can't get totally happy. I hate my life most days. I feel incredibly guilty about that.
 
I hate that I find myself looking at other men and wondering "what if?" I love my husband very much, but I find myself looking at beautiful men and wondering if I could have had a different, more glamorous life if I had married a different man. I hate myself for thinking that.

I am saddened by my own weakness. I hate my total inability to move past failures, mistakes, and disappointments.

I hate the dullness of my everyday existence.

I am sad that I'll probably never get to see all the beautiful countries int he world, and if I do get to go, I will probably be very old by the time it happens.

I am sad that my daughter has ADD. I am sad that the reason behind it is probably due to something I've done wrong. I'm angry that I have been lazy in my parenting.

I am angry I never finished college. I am sad I don't have a degree and an alma mater to be proud of. I am angry at my mother for not pushing me to do so.

I hate my mother for ruining my life. I hate her for making me so messed up that I worry every day that my daughter will grow up to hate me as much as I hate my own mother. I hate that she made me into a cynical and often bitter person.

I am saddened by the fact that I am probably ruining my daughter's life. At least to a certain extent.

I'm angry that I have let my body go to shit. I am angry that I am now having to work so hard to get it back. If I hadn't been so fucking lazy and such a procrastinator, I would only have to maintain right now.

I'm angry that I'm going to be forty next year. I'm most angry that now that I actually want to do something different with my life, I'm too old and totally locked into the life I have created up until now.

I hate my face. I hate my ankles. (Cankles.) I hate my hands. I hate that I have bunions I can't afford to get fixed. I hate that I'm fucking HUGE. I hate that I wasn't born an average size. My size wouldn't be so bad if I was thin, but.....

I'm angry about all the changes to my body from having a child. I'm angry that no one told me about those changes and that I didn't know they would be permanent changes.

I hate the town I live in.

I'm angry that my husband has become such a hypochondriac. I hate that all we talk about anymore is physical ailments. I'm tired of hearing about him worry over his blood pressure and his teeth. I hate to think what the dentist makes off him.

I hate that Cristiano Ronaldo is so fucking beautiful and that it makes me feel good to stare at pictures of him on the internet.

I'm sad that my grandmother never met my daughter.

I'm sad that my mother ran off the only good man she ever had. I miss him.

Some days I'm sad that I only have 2 family members left. One I hate and the other I never see. Some days I'm happy about that, because most family is just a pain in the ass. My grandmother is that only one that wasn't.

I'm angry that I had to sell my store. I'm sad that I'm still angry about it 2 1/2 years later.

I'm angry that I can't let go of ANYTHING.

I'm angry and sad that I am so tired. I want to do so much and am often too tired to accomplish as much as I want to accomplish.

I'm sad that I have such low ambition.

I hate that I have to rely on my mother occasionally for child care. I hate that she's obsessed with my child. I hate that she sees us as her only source of happiness.

I hate that people at work always expect me to be upbeat and happy.

I'm sad that I have only one true friend--my husband.

I hate that I'm so self-conscious. Of course, looking the way I do, what choice do I have?

Most of all, I hate and I'm sad and I'm angry that after writing this list, I don't feel any better about my situation.

I Suck

Yes, I do.  Because a month and a half?  Is an obscenely long time to not post. 

Moving on.  To other things.  Not gonna dwell.  Nope. 

• We're gearing up for the in-laws 50th Wedding Anniversary weekend.  They are currently on a cruise to Bermuda.  The 3 kids went in on a cruise as their main gift.  They've never been on one before.  The big dinner is Saturday night.  (Which is the actual date of the anniversary.)  The weekend continues with a big cook-out on Sunday.  We have anniversary spill-over, Father's Day and 2 family birthdays to celebrate for the Sunday cook-out.  
• I have gained weight.  In spite of cutting way back on the intake and stepping up the activity level.  Of course the fact that I went off the pill a few months back may or may not have something to do with it.  No, we're not trying for another child.  I'm just giving my body a much needed break from hormonal birth control.  Other than the 16 months I was off the pill when I had Carter, I've been on the pill since I was 21.  Ick.  Although most people say they gained weight because of the pill, some websites say that it takes a while for your system to adjust.  I am chalking it up to that and hoping for the best.  (But so far, I feel great.  So I think the husband may have to get his man-bits altered.)
• I spend most of my spare time in the greenhouse these days.  Lots to do.  I have a new fan due to arrive tomorrow.  I'm so excited.  It's will greatly decrease the heat build up.  Last year was a battle and even with the doors open, two shade cloths and two fans going full tilt, we hit triple digits by 11 a.m. on most days last summer. 
• I spend a portion of my spare time on Facebook.  I know, I know - I'm cheating.  But really, it's just a quick one-line post here and there.  And I have re-connected with a lot of old friends.  
• Up until yesterday, I have been spending a LOT of time reading.  I read all nine books of the Sookie Stackhouse Vampire series by Charlaine Harris.  It rocked.  I have no clue what I will do now.  I was sucked (HA!) in WAY more that with Twilight.  It was such a good series that it does deserve an entire post.  I'll get to it someday.  (HA!)  The season premier of season 2 of Trueblood started last night.  It rocked.
• My baby will be nine years old in 12 days.  I can't stand it!!

That is all for now internets.  G'nite! 

   

School Daze

Since most of you know by now that I am older than dirt, I will now divulge that I graduated from high school in 1989.  As a child and as a teenager, I suffered from school anxiety.  I got all worked up in the fall when school started.  I grumbled under my breath at the end of every summer when it seemed that the back-to-school advertisements reared their ugly heads earlier and earlier each year. 

My daughter starts 3rd grade tomorrow morning yet I am the one with school anxiety.  My daughter?  She is unfazed.  When we went to open house last week at the school to find out who her teacher was, her only concern was that her little friends were in her class.  (They are, and she is cool as a cucumber now.)  I myself was a nervous wreck.  I am one of those rare parents that wishes it was summertime all year round.  During the school year, I breathe a sigh of relief when Friday comes.  I plot and plan and mark off all the holidays on the calendar.  I still get so excited to secretly count down to Christmas and Easter break and secretly dread the day she's scheduled to go back afterward. 

Carter does well (so far!) in school and has a nice little group of friends, so I often wonder why I still get so worked up about it.  She seems to be nonplussed about all those little things that made me so nervous in school.  An ugly remark by a classmate or a dirty look from a teacher made my whole day miserable.  Thankfully, my daughter has better coping skills when it comes to such things.  I am happy for her in that.  But I still can't help myself because every morning when I drop her off at school, a little piece of my heart goes out the car door with her and I can't help but worry.   

Wish us luck for a great day tomorrow!!!

The One Where I Cuss.

The lady that's buying my store is a bitch.  A snooty, prudish, fucked up, tight-ass bitch.  There.  I said it.  Boy, do I feel better. 

But seriously.  She is definitely making my hair go prematurely white.  I am being nickel and dimed to to death.  At one point, she flat out said she wondered if the store was worth what we were asking.  The shitty attitude is killing me.  I have never before in my life dealt with someone so paranoid, so suspicious, so rude, so........bitchy.  At times I have caught myself mentally making fun of what she wears.  And I was not happy that I was beginning to stoop to that level.  (Well, sort of.  I mean honestly, who the hell wears white suede Docksiders with white tube socks?) 

I have tried to seriously look deep within myself and ask: Is it really her that has the problem?  Or would I find fault with anyone that was buying my store simply because on some level I felt they were taking something away from me?  Although this has been an incredibly bittersweet experience, I know in my heart and mind that this is for the best.  I am very fortunate to find someone to buy this store in these economic times.  It will be incredibly nice to get a check in the mail each month for my store. 

Thankfully, I did find out that I am fairly justified in my opinion about Miss Tight Ass.  My mother-in-law, when telling me of an incident involving Prudence McPrude today, informed me "She's a couple nuggets shy of a Happy Meal, honey."  Whew, I guess it's not just me. 

After Wednesday, April 30th, it won't be my problem anymore.  Yes, next Wednesday is my last day.  I have been packing up junk left and right.  I have left the collage wall in my office for last.  I haven't had the strength to take it down just yet.  I have saved tons of funny stories, greeting cards, pictures and invitations and added then to the wall next to my desk over the last three and a half years.  I will probably cry when I have to peel it all down.  Worse than that, I will have to pass the store everyday.  C'est la vie.

But at least I won't have to deal with Crazy Bitch anymore after that...      

Deflated Balloons

I've not felt well the past two weeks.  I battled laryngitis for a good week and then it mutated into some strange, migrating phlegm thing that wouldn't die.  Some days last weekend I would hear things popping and snapping in my ears.  I still have a nagging cough. 

I was just in the bathroom and looked at my throat with a flashlight.  Not a good thing to do.  My tonsils look like two lumpy, deflated, red balloons.  No white splotches, so that's good.  But it hurts like a bitch when I swallow.  I have tonsillitis.  Again.  Last year I had tonsillitis five different times.  These bitches need to come the hell out.  Anyone out there had a tonsillectomy?

Anyhoo, I went to the doctor and am on some heavy duty antibiotics.  Crap I hope this ends soon.  I'm so tired of sucking on cough drops. 

My child has been away from home all week.  For the first time.  (Other than one-nighters at Grandma's.)  I miss her fiercely.  The house has been so quiet.  She has been at her cousin's house which is in Abingdon, VA.  That's six hours away from home.  I was/am very freaked out because she went with MeMaw and PaPaw (John's parents).  They are getting up in years and I was very nervous about them driving such a long way.  They made out very well on the way out and they will return on Saturday.  When they left Monday, I held a vigil until I heard they arrived safely.  "A vigil?" you ask?  Why yes, a vigil.  All good, obsessive worriers hold vigils. 

I learned about the proper method of holding a vigil from my friend Amber over at Forever Amber.  She is the foremost authority on holding vigils.  And she's a hoot too.  Go on over and check out her blog.  I promise you much hearty laughter.            

A Lame Post - Bullet Style

Feeling puny today folks, so I'm gonna reduce the post to bullets.  Lame, yes, but easy on the brain.

• I am really feeling the tiredness and letdown of being home from vacation.  I was glad to get home at first, but laundry and work have zapped that.
• I need some chocolate milk in a bad way.
• Why, dear GOD why, do they give kids so damn much homework?  (Is it just here in America?  Aly?  Any comments?)  The makeup work from last week is KILLING me us. (We took our daughter Carter out of school for the trip.  Yes, yes, I know, it sounds terrible, but she's only in 2nd grade and I am SO not going to Florida in the dead of summer.)
• I think I need a pain pill too.  With a Valium.  Yeah, that's the ticket.
• And Christ on a crutch - why am I waking up in the morning 35 minutes before the alarm goes off?  It is absolutely pointless to go back to sleep for 35 minutes but I feel cheated out of sleep if I get up earlier than planned.
• Is it spring YET?
• So damn hungry.  Don't need to eat but want to very desperately. 
• The orchids went wild while I was gone.  I have flowers everywhere.  This is a good thing.  I also went to an orchid greenhouse on our rainy day in Orlando - shock! - and bought a true purple vanda.  (Imagine a wild looking plant in a  hanging pot with no dirt - just fat, green roots hanging out everywhere with purple flowers the size of salad plates.)
• The weather is beautiful here today.  Yet it's due to get super cold just in time for the weekend!  OF course!
• I am so heartbroken watching Applesauce our store cat deteriorate.  He is still not responding to insulin and now he is developing neuropathy in his back legs and fell yesterday tying to get in the litter box for the zillionth time.  I am a sort of "get 'r' done" kind of gal when it comes to serious, incurable pet illnesses.  I can not stand to see an animal suffer and sadly my friend Emily is "just not ready to let him go".  I told her yesterday that her guilt and pain over not being able to save him needs to take a back burner to what is best for HIM.
• My sister-in-law (the bad one) is still a bitch.  Just sayin'.
• Why do dumb-ass customers keep asking if I sell postage stamps?  Do I have an invisible "United States Postal Employee" tattoo on my forehead that only idiots can see?
• Head hurting.  Either it's because I'm tired and worn out or it's because all I've done today other than help customers is surf the net and read Forever Amber archives.  Either way, the Devil Bird post will have to wait.

As promised, here is the photo of me and Khyber the Atlantic Bottlenose Dolphin.  I look shiteous but Khyber looks SO DAMN CUTE! 

      

Time, Where Art Thou?

We leave town on Friday for Orlando and I'm pretty excited.  There are some wicked strains of the flu going around here in town and I am like psycho-woman trying to keep away from diseased people and sanitizing everything I come in contact with.  Fingers crossed people - we have 3 1/2 days to go!

It bugs me that my movie and book TypeLists are stagnant.  It has been kind of hectic lately with trip preparation and all, but it has been this way for a while regardless.  I have had little to no time to read or see movies lately and it kind of ticks me off.  I am a movie and book buff.  But so far in 2008, those things have been on the back burner.  Things have been just so out of whack.  Every week has seemed like a battle to be fought and by the time the weekend arrives we're wiped out.  Those three books I have listed over there are all still in progress.  I'm taking them with me on our trip, so I'm hoping that at least one will be finished soon. 

I am so behind on my movie habit.  There are a ton of flicks I meant to see in the theater and are now destined to be rentals.  My movie buddies have been busy so far this year as well.  Our schedules seem to be clashing as of late.  I am a total movie SUCKER.  It is a serious sickness and I am going through withdrawals.  Need. Movies.  NOW.  (I seem to have a lot of sicknesses, don't I?)

One thing that has taken more of my regular book reading time has been a new blog - Forever Amber.  It's a scream!  I have been wading through Amber's archives for the past couple of weeks.  She's a Scot and she is a total riot.  She has neighbor issues like me.  (My neighborhood has turned into a war zone lately due to new construction.  Dear God they're trying to kill me.  I need SLEEP people!)

One last thing.  I posted 3 pics of myself on Valentine's Day asking for help in deciding which one to use for my blog photo and got two votes: one vote for photo #1 and one for photo #3.  Since I didn't want to have to choose between the two that were voted for, I chose the one that wasn't voted for.  Thanks to Aly and Nicole for voting! 

(The orchids featured today are Potinara Free Spirit 'Lea' and Phaleanopsis Baldan's Kaleidoscope 'Golden Treasure') 

   

Dreary Day

It's a really, really dreary day here in Virginia.  If the amount of rain we are getting were snow, we would be totally snowed in and my ass would be at home relaxing under the comforter with my daughter, the dog and the two cats. 

My daughter has the snooky-snots, my husband had to go to the E.R. two days ago with a kidney stone.  I am waiting for sickness to befall me.  I hope it doesn't, but if it does, it needs to get it over with A.S.A.P. and not hit at the end of next week. 

As I mentioned in a previous post, when we went to Disney last year, I was super-sick with a hideous case of bronchitis.  (We usually drive down and break up the drive with interesting stops along the way.  Like Savannah, one of our favorite towns.)  On one of our gas stops,  I had to go in and use the restroom.  I was almost out of water, so I had to buy one in the convenience store on my way back out to the car.  So I'm waiting my turn at the counter to pay, feeling like total shit, looking like hell with an estimated fever of 102-103.  I am feeling SO bad I can't stand up straight, have chills SO bad that I'm shaking like a leaf and I can't talk because my throat and chest were like raw hamburger.  The lady at the register had this look on her face like I was a meth addict that was tweeking and looked fearful that I was going to go off at any moment. 

Oh, I soooo do not want to go through anything like that ever again.  My sister-in-law (the good one)  came into our room to check on me once while on our stop in Jacksonville and she tells me that at one point I begged her to kill me.  I don't remember that.  But I do remember that the fever had me to the point of hallucinating.  I keep hearing things in the hotel room and would randomly ask my husband "why is there a cat in our room?" 

Thank God I was much, much better two days into our trip, so all was not lost.  So many illnesses are floating around here currently.  My brother-in-law came down with a case of old fashioned, bona-fide influenza a few weeks ago regardless of the flu shot he gets every year.  The particular strain of the flu he came down with is so rare and old that his case was reported to the CDC. 

All of this stuff going around has caused me to be even more of a germophobe than usual.  I bought a huge economy pack of Clorox wipes at Wal-Mart the last week.  I cracked the first one open when I got home and it's almost gone.  I am using them habitually.  Knobs, handles, the phones, the remote controls - you name it.  Each person in our house has their own color-coded box of Kleenex.  I am so paranoid that I don't even want to use possible at-risk tissues.  My husband says I'm going overboard because anything we have gets breathed on one another during the night in bed anyway.  I told him I'm not taking any chances.  I hope to stay well come hell or high water.            

Two Left Feet

Today's post was inspired by Heidi over at http://heidikins.com/. 

I have a love/hate relationship with shoes.  I love them.  I hate shopping for them.  My shoe options at the moment are limited.  I go to a shoe store and the range of what I can wear that will fit me, not hurt and look cute is so very limited that it turns into a near sob-fest every time. 

I wear a size 10.  That's the first strike.  All the really cute shoe options are in the 6 to 8 range.    I am 5 foot 10 inches.  (That's 1.778 meters for those of you across the pond.)  The chances of anyone my height having feet in a size 6, 7 or 8 are slim to none.   

In 2005 I broke my left foot and badly sprained that ankle.  Shortly thereafter, I sprained my other ankle.  Twice.  Apparently in my old age I have become accident prone.  Only on steps.  I am still nimble, not horribly out of shape, and can still shake my booty with the best of them, but for some reason, I have a terrible time with stairs.  I have even wondered if there's a "Staircase Poltergeist" out to get me. 

I also have a bunion.  I was born with it.  (Believe it or not, it's true!)  It doesn't hurt and it has never affected me in any way but if I get a shoe that rubs it the least little bit - blister city!  Fortunately it's not one of those God-awful ugly knobs you see in medical articles.  You know, the ones that make the big toe lay over on top of the other toes.  My foot looks perfectly normal and most people don't notice it unless I point it out. 

All of these factors make for not-so-fun shoe shopping.  I want to be able to wear any shoe I damn well please, thank-you-very-much!  As it is, I have to stick to [mostly] flat shoes and shoes that don't even tempt my ankle to turn.  I won't lie, I have found some really cute shoes that felt very comfy through the years.  Mostly they've been nice little casual, strappy sandals with a low or no heel.  Now that I have a job that allows me to sit whenever I want to, I want to try and work my way into a better range of shoes.  I frequently do exercises to try and strengthen my ankles.  I'm wondering if ice skating will help.  I used to be quite good at that.  Plus it's good all-over exercise. 

Anyone have any suggestions for how I can get back into cuter shoes?  Or maybe there's a brand you've found that is cute yet safe and comfortable?  My feet are dying to know.      

(The shoes shown are Christian Louboutin Platform Mary Janes.)